stormy weather

I went to seminary this year. Briefly.

It seems so absurd to me now, though only two months later. My faith is in such flux I can't imagine actually training for the clergy at this point in time. Yet, six months ago I was ready to assume my position in the fold, wherever that may have been.

I think I realized pretty quickly that my desperation to know God drove me to theological school. I was all set to learn how to lead people to a God I was still trying to find myself. I resented the church subconsciously for alienating me from God, yet in a rash and desperate move to try to seize faith by the throat I decided to join its ranks.

I looked at the wreck of wrong turns I had recently accumulated and felt certain that it would be a fierce and devout faith in God that would lead me to safety. The dull ache that accompanied the days, I assured myself, was a distance I had created between the Creator and myself.

Like an explorer with the Bible as my map, I set off to find the sunken treasure of Yahweh. Somewhere, in the folds of Greek and canonical formation and Reformation theology and exegesis was the pot of Go(l)d. And when I found it, I reasoned to myself, I would lead others like me, zealous and thirsty adventurers, to the fount of faith.

I left seminary in Sydney early: shortly after discovering that the Bible was not a treasure map to God, after all. And the Aussie man I left America for, whose rib I was sure God had given to me, was not my Adam.

I still am an explorer. I am seeking God desperately. More desperately than before, when I sought after him in the ministry. Yet, the Bible is no longer a map I seek to guide me to God. Instead, it is like a lighthouse in a storm, its distant rhythm of light in the darkness reminds me that there is hope. Despite the terrifying walls of water surrounding me, I have some faith that land is near each time the light flickers up ahead.

Yet, the terrifying question remains, driving me ever forward, increasing my desperation. Will my faith survive the storm?